Lydia Peckover on art and play therapy, EMDR and DBT skills

Lydia Peckover on art and play therapy, EMDR and DBT skills

Lydia Peckover is a Northwest Family Life affiliate therapist working with children, teens, parents, individuals and couples. Her specialties include trauma and PTSD, behavioral issues, and life transitions. She often works with art / play therapy, EMDR and DBT skills.

Research shows encouraging results around art / play therapy, especially when compared with talk therapy. Can you talk about this?

Dr. Karyn Purvis states, “Scientists have recently determined that it takes approximately 400 repetitions to create a new synapse in the brain -unless it is done with play therapy, in which case it takes between 10 and 20 repetitions!” To put this in perspective talk therapy requires about 400 instances of talking about the new habit before the brain creates a new connection to exhibit a new behavior with more ease. That is more than a year of weekly sessions! Play therapy would take about 10 to 20 sessions before the brain would create a connection to do the new behavior. Why? Because the brain is more active when we use a sand tray, play, art, music, movement, and/or creativity. This research encourages people to be more open to using play therapeutic techniques in therapy, such as a sand tray.

About half of your work is with children. Can you tell us what happens in sand play?

A sand tray is an Expressive Arts and Play therapeutic technique. The goal is to express your thoughts in the sand. The person (of any age) creates a story in the sand using miniature characters, objects, etc. This form of play therapy is a way to see our thoughts (or the story) as objects in the sand, and it helps to organize our thoughts to help us feel better. A sand tray helps all ages and can be used with dry sand (trauma sensitive) or wet sand, using warm water.

You also use expressive arts therapy with adults. How is using art to access different parts of the brain effective?

Expressive Arts is a way of communicating without necessarily using words. Brain scans have shown more activity in the brain when using creativity, art, music, and movement than when a person is using speech alone. I use somatic experiencing therapeutic techniques, expressive arts, and even “sessions while walking” in therapy because I have seen that when people use more areas of the brain in therapy it speeds up the healing process. Our brain naturally wants to help us heal, we might as well allow more areas of the brain to participate in therapy!

You do a lot of work using dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Can you tell us about the skills that DBT teaches?

The four types of DBT skills includeMindfulness (being present to experience what’s happening now as a way to take a break from worrying about the past and future), Distress Tolerance (Dr. Marsha Linehan describes it as “how to survive the crisis without making it worse” and skills to “accept”), Emotional Regulation (understanding emotions and using skills to maintain a balance), and Interpersonal Effectiveness (people skills). Many people I work with tell me they like to learn DBT Skills because each skill is described simply and it’s like having an instruction book on how to live a better life.

Who can benefit from utilizing DBT skills?

Everyone, young or more mature, can benefit from using DBT Skills. This is a behavior therapy that helps us change behaviors to “live a life worth living” and to “reduce pain and suffering.” (quotes by Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of DBT.) I use DBT Skills with children, teens, adults, parents and mature adults. Parents find helpful skills to parent more gently and effectively. DBT is an evidenced based practice for suicidal ideation, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety, and trauma/PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress). DBT is well researched and proven effective with addictive behaviors as well as preventing nightmares, sleep disorders, grief, schizophrenia, and many other mental health disorders. People who are suicidal come in for DBT Skills therapy because of the pain of living. I have seen many begin to use DBT Skills and begin to participate fully in life.

Tell us about your work with EMDR trauma therapy and how it can heal trauma wounds.

EMDR therapy, founded by Dr. Francine Shapiro, uses the Adaptive Information Processing (AIP) theory; it is our body’s natural tendency to heal itself. For example, with a bacterial infection, our body automatically works to heal the infection. Using the AIP theory, EMDR therapy’s goal is to activate the brain using bilateral stimulation (left and right sides of the body) with either eye movements, sound or touch (like tapping) so the brain can be fully on board to reprocess stressful/trauma memories.

These memories are stored improperly in the brain and cause a trauma response. After EMDR therapy people have found results such as lack of distressing thoughts, emotions, and body sensations. Here is an example of healing traumatic body memories: A survivor of domestic violence has discomfort in a new relationship because they cannot be touched without being triggered by a body memory from past abuse. After using EMDR therapy, this person has reprocessed the body sensations and has no body triggers. This person can be touched and feel the natural feelings of safety and healthy attachment in the new relationship.

EMDR therapy is an evidence-based practice for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). It has been shown to effectively relieve anxiety, depression, chronic pain, migraines, addictive behavior, grief, insomnia, and more. Some therapists listen for negative beliefs in therapy as an indicator of who can be helped by EMDR therapy, because they believe the anxiety, depression, pain, etc. were likely caused by the negative beliefs about themselves.

Negative beliefs such as, “It’s all my fault,” “I have no control,” or “I’m not safe” are formed at the same time as a stressful situation or traumatic event. The goal in EMDR therapy is to create positive beliefs. Holding positive beliefs about one’s self can reduce trauma responses such as depression, anxiety, unexplainable pain or sickness, overreacting or feeling numb, feeling triggered, memory absences, avoidance, nightmares, etc.

Many people have said EMDR therapy has fast results, especially in children and teens. EMDR therapy can be used with other therapeutic techniques such as Attachment Focused therapies, Expressive Arts, Somatic Experiencing (body work) and Play therapy. There is a need for assessment and preparing people for EMDR therapy. DBT Skills help prepare people to stabilize behaviors so they are ready for trauma therapy such as EMDR therapy.

Talk to us about “Installing a future template.”

EMDR therapy provides many therapeutic techniques that help therapists become more effective and efficient. EMDR therapy works on the past, present, and future. Installing Future Templates is an EMDR therapeutic technique that helps therapists see how the person would handle stress in the future. Installing a Future Template also identifies any developmental gaps. For example, if a person experienced a medical trauma, child abuse or substance abuse (such as drug use) in their teen years, this traumatic event could stop or delay development. The adult may need skills to be able to understand their own identity or have difficulty solving problems on their own because they were unable to learn these vital developmental skills as a teen. So we would work on those skills in therapy. Installing Future Templates is a quick check-in and helps a person assess ability just by asking a few questions.

You also work with couples. Tell us about using Gottman skills and DBT skills in this work.

Many times couples ask for the Gottman therapeutic techniques in therapy because of it’s great results. I have found many couples need steps before jumping into using Gottman’s techniques. DBT Skills can be used as steps to help couples understand how to communicate better in a relationship. For example, DBT skills such as the GIVE skill (be gentle with yourself and others, act interested, validate the valid, use an easy manner)  can be used to build healthy relationships or the FAST skill to keep your self-respect in relationships. These Interpersonal Effectiveness DBT Skills may be used with Gottman’s “Four Horses of the Apocalypse,” the predictors for divorce (Defensive, Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling). Also, sometimes therapies can cause a trauma response in those who are trauma sensitive. This is why treatment plans in therapy are unique and tailored to the individual and/or couple’s needs. Some find DBT Skills as a more trauma sensitive approach for couples, yet there is such an effective framework provided by the Gottman Institute. For couples, I like to use both Gottman techniques and DBT Skills.

In your work with families, you’ve said that a big part of it is teaching parents how to calm down. If the parent can self regulate, what can follow?

When the child’s environment is calm the child can work on issues causing distress and engage in trauma work. As the child or teen does their therapy, I continue to work with parents toward healthy attachment with their child and what is developmentally appropriate.

How can trauma affect developmental stages?

Trauma responses include fight, flight or freeze modes. Reliving the traumatic event can mean living in one of these states, in other words, a pretty intense survival mode. These high levels of distress cause our brain to focus on surviving the danger and development is put on hold. An example is a child who experienced early childhood trauma and has speech delays. Later on, the child needs support to develop speech.

Another example is if a person experienced a medical trauma or substance abuse (such as drug use) in their teen years. This traumatic event could have caused their development to stop during the time of danger and could cause a gap in their development. As an adult, they may need support to be able to understand their own identity or have difficulty solving problems on their own because they were unable to learn these vital developmental skills as a teen. So we would work on those developmental skills in therapy.

You can connect with Lydia via her website, https://arisewellcounselingservices.com

 

Ashley Zimmerman on Bodies & Trauma Informed Yoga

Ashley Zimmerman on Bodies & Trauma Informed Yoga

Ashley Zimmerman is a Northwest Family Life affiliate therapist who offers counseling as well as trauma informed yoga classes.

 

Why are you an affiliate of NWFL?

I am an affiliate of NWFL because I respect the vision that Nancy Murphy has to create spaces of safety for survivors. When I was at the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology I found that her class was so practical while simultaneously being an offering of hope to the hurting. I find that having a community of other professionals who are passionate about similar things allows for me to feel like I’m apart of something vaster than myself. Being a therapist and holding complex stories can sometimes feel isolating, that’s why it’s really valuable for me to have a community of healers that I can glean from too through supervision and consult.

 

Tell us about your love of bodies.

 

Bodies are complex, yet courageous healers; bearing the stories which are yet to be revealed. Bodies wear scars like badges of honor, marking resilience and mastery. I find bodies to be where the deepest most vibrant work can thrive if we are simply willing to reconnect with our body’s most ancient wisdom. The truth of what you’ve endured is woven in the fabric of your being. Connecting with every thread and color can take a lifetime of learning; it is never boring or dull.

 

Tell us about your observations of teens today being hungry to connect with their bodies.

 

I feel that “people” are hungry to connect with their bodies, but something I appreciate about teens is that they’re slightly more raw and real about their felt experience in the world. They might still have influences of societal pressures, but their neuroplasticity is so readily apparent and available. There is a visceral quality to their communication style. Developmentally and physically they are going through puberty, so naturally are in this unique state of change where all their drives are coming online. Something about my work with teens keeps me honest and attentive with my own inner teenager that needs to be seen and heard and tended to without judgment. We all have one; we need be more connected to those younger, more boisterous parts of ourselves.

 

When someone is trapped in a trauma response, how is it helpful to get connected with the body?

 

I believe if you can reconnect your awareness back to your hands and feet it can be a reminder of a sense of agency, even when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Some call the hands and feet “islands of safety.”

Deep, full breaths are also vital… When trapped in a trauma response you might notice tightness of chest, quick shallow breaths or even forgetting to breathe entirely. This is when it’s really important to access more mindfulness in the way you are utilizing breath. It’s essential for sustaining life and overall wellness.

Reorienting to space and time, being present. Hyper-vigilance is something that I see often when working with people who live in traumatized bodies. Scanning the room, darting eyes, it’s a fear response or survival instinct that’s meant to be preventative in nature but it ends up exhausting the nervous system and draining the adrenals. We’re human animals, we like to orient. So instead of telling someone to “stop that!” Rather, I invite them to re-orient looking at all the corners of the room, knowing where the exits or entrances are can be simple yet somewhat stabilizing. Even inviting people to walk around if they need to redistribute their energy or blood flow. No one is trapped in my therapy office and no one has to stay sitting down the entire session unless they want to. But sometimes when someone is locked in a hyper-vigilant response they might need a reminder that they have the agency to do what they need to feel safe in their body again. Often times after trauma the body feels a distrust and betrayal, “I couldn’t keep myself safe.”

TIPP is a DBT acronym that can easily be used when a person is trying to get grounded:

T: “Tip the temperature,” this will cue your mammalian driving reflex if you splash some cold water on your face or take a cold pack to rest near your eyes or cheeks to soothe or cool your body down. This reflex causes your body chemistry to shift, your heart rate decreases and it activates your parasympathetic nervous system to prompt your relaxation response. (water should stay above 50 degrees Fahrenheit) *I keep a cold pack in my office refrigerator if needed.

I: Intense exercise helps your body release negative energy that can sometimes get stored bodily when dealing with complex emotions or memories. You can redistribute this by: running, walking, hot yoga etc. Exercise naturally releases endorphins which can help manage anxiety or even reduce feelings of depression.

P: Paced breathing helps cue your parasympathetic nervous system to

remind your body that it’s safe. Boxed breathing is also a type of breath work that people like to try. I prefer slow expansive breaths in through the nose, out through the mouth taking a couple counts each inhale and exhale.

P: Paired muscle relaxation is a beautiful way to do a body scan, check

with yourself and being more attuned to introspection (what’s happening in your body). It helps you self-regulate. *Some yin yoga teachers offer this practice during their yoga classes and it’s a really valuable offering for survivors of trauma, or anyone really.

 

Tell us about your trauma informed yoga work.

 

Trauma informed simply means that “all bodies are welcome” and there is room for your process to look different from someone else’s. Consent is everything so the yoga facilitator offers postures as options to try on, remembering that you have the freedom to take or leave anything that doesn’t fit for you. Permission to make the practice something that works for where your body is, means if you need to linger in a shape longer because you’re feeling benefits or modify that posture so it is more comfortable for what you’re dealing with bodily (maybe injuries, different abilities, or trauma memories associated with curtain positions). The body holds a lot of memory and often times shame and distrust is correlated with reconnecting with the body, because one might remember more of what their body has endured.

Yoga in many ways is like a moving meditation, where you’re integrating the use of mind-body connection. There’s a sweet interplay and dance that happens as you reconnect and explore to your bodies edges through unique sensory-based forms of expression.

 

What are some of the different ways you see domestic violence present itself?

 

I’ve seen DV show up across the board, it does not discriminate against race, age, gender, sexual orientation or socioeconomic status. It’s when (emotional and physical) violence is an active component of the communication dynamic in close familial/relational bonds. It is when elements of power and control are used to disempower and manipulate another person’s sense of self or well-being. Arousal and degradation are often always fused. Safety becomes compromised and accessing one’s voice feels very frightening or risky. Over time this dynamic can move beyond traumatizing into a toxic abuse structure or cycle that becomes demoralizing. It’s difficult to get out of that loop or cycle of abuse because oftentimes when a sophisticated abuser had gained access to their victim, the victim takes on more ownership for the abuse than is healthy. In essence they bear the brunt of the brawl, in some twisted way buying into a lie that they “deserved this cruel and unpredictable mistreatment.

 

How can movement integration help work through PTSD or anxiety? Talk to us about preverbal states, or places where people stop having access to words.

 

Movement integration is valuable because it works with the body rather than against it. I like to think of my body as an ally and friend rather than fighting against its natural instincts or inclinations. That being said I’m aware that “the body has no narrative” so it has difficulty sometimes with reality testing, distinguishing between real and perceived threat(s). For example, if I were to see a cord that looked similar to a snake my “fear response” might kick-in and activate all the same hormones and chemical reactions in the body needed for the sympathetic nervous system (fight or flight) to be engaged and ready to work to keep me safe. With PTSD it’s difficult to turn this off, because the body often lives in a hyper or hypo aroused state. What served you once might not always be serving you now. The ability to access language or cognitive functioning is almost impossible when you’re in lizard brain mentality and the hippocampus goes offline.

One simple thing I do if someone is in a dissociative or activated state is to pause because it’s not helpful to keep engaging story or narrative when someone is feeling trapped in one of the many “states of being” that trauma can activate. Instead, I work towards inviting them to engage their body differently. I have “thinking putty” if someone has busy hands and needs to mold something instead of moving towards self-harm or contempt. I sometimes invite them towards breath-work or even walking around mindfully being aware of their entire personhood from the feet all the way to the top of their head. It really depends on the moment or what the situation seems to be asking for. I’m simply there to hold space, be a witness and help co-regulate a person to get them back to the present moment at a pace that feels gentle yet still anchoring.

 

How people might ascribe to a core belief about themselves because of trauma?

 

It’s in those moments of suffering trauma that it’s easy to make inner vows subconsciously without even realizing it. That’s why the healing work of therapy is so important to engage well and consistently to better uncover these core beliefs that are in place. One example might be buying into the lie about one’s worth, value or capabilities. Maybe latching onto an idea like “I’m stupid.” I’ve worked with many people who know on a cognitive level that they’re capable and successful in x, y, z but on a core level might have a belief structure in place that’s primarily rooted in trauma narratives that may need to be addressed and more thoroughly engaged to find rest and comfort in a new realization. Until you start untangling some of these core belief systems that get embedded in the psyche, they often will creep in or play out in relationship because we manifest what we most deeply believe.

 

Talk to us about being an ally to one’s body, especially in places where one might feel shame or self-sooth in harmful ways. You work with many addictions that correlate to harm. Talk to us about empowering people to try something different.

 

I’m glad you asked, self-soothing in harmful ways might look like turning to an eating disorder, self-harm through cutting, patterns of addictions to codependent relationships or even substance abuse. All of these things function and serve a role but don’t always get at the core wound in a loving, nurturing way, many times it accentuates the problem instead of alleviating the issue (even if at times there is a felt sense of relief experienced, although short-lived).

You are your best advocate for knowing what you need, but you have to work with your body instead of against it. Meaning, numbing-out might seem preferential or appealing at times, when it actuality it disconnects you from what you really need or want in those vulnerable moments. Instead I invite you to pause, come into contact with a felt awareness what being curious with what is surfacing for you. Maybe feelings of sadness or grief might be bubbling up and are harder feelings to stay with. Find ways to love yourself with where you’re at instead of ignoring, shutting down or tuning out. Your body is your friend and ally, learn to trust it’s gentle nudges as a guide towards healing and soulful living. Make sure to do this work with someone who cares, finding a good fit with a therapist or healing community is essential. You don’t have to figure it out on your own, we’re wired for connection.

 

You can connect with Ashley here

Conner Cress on Naming Harm & Renaming our Stories

Conner Cress on Naming Harm & Renaming our Stories

Conner Cress is a Northwest Family Life affiliate therapist. 

 

You speak of being drawn to attachment based theory and work. Tell us about your theory of change.

 

I believe healing and change most powerfully occurs within the relational realm. Attachment therapists believe that what’s broken in relationship is healed in relationship, meaning, the wounds we acquire in our formative relationships can be healed through redemptive relational experiences. Sometimes we carry relational wounds from our past without even knowing and the therapeutic relationship can be a helpful and insightful vessel to explore the way these wounds and ways of relating are no longer helpful for the client. This looks like paying attention to the “here and now,” which essentially means noticing the relational dances that are co-created between a therapist and client in the present moment. These dynamics are often rich material to begin exploring how past wounding and trauma have informed the ways clients live and connect with others.

 

You’ve mentioned that sometimes people forget about the relationship they have with themselves. What do you mean by this?

 

It’s easy to think of “relationship” as the connection between “another person and I,” or maybe “God and I.” But we often forget our relationship to self. Often this is due to lies spoken over us in the past by caregivers and loved ones such as “we’re not enough, too much, too broken, etc.” These names and beliefs we internalize in abuse, trauma, and broken relationships can alter the way we see ourselves and what we believe to be true about who we are. Often, what brings us to a place of wanting to discover more of our own story and start the therapeutic journey is a yearning for change or a feeling of stuckness in our current way of being. To have a different kind of relationship with self, to be able to offer kindness and more empathy towards ourselves, calls us to courageously step into the stories and experiences that have harmed us and named us what we are not.  Healing and redemption only comes from re-naming what we’ve known to be true of ourselves. Only then can we begin reimagining a new story for ourselves.

 

Talk to us about ways people might forge new connections with themselves and thus others.

 

Therapy is a great place to start because talking about our present almost always leads us to a story of the past. Being able to name harm that has been done to us often seems like a paradox, but even from a neurophysiological level, it allows us to safely process it in healthier and new ways. Therapy can be a place to gain more freedom to discover yourself and live into who you are, strength to set boundaries, deeper enjoyment of intimate relationships, and greater courage to take risks and be creative.

 

When people see themselves or the world in a black and white fashion, it can put them in a bind. Talk about exploring the grey with your clients, working with both/and.

 

Binds are incredibly frustrating, and it is often easier to think in terms of black and white: “This is good, that is bad.” But in these binds, if we allow ourselves, we can discover a complexity that leads to greater empathy towards self and others. I often wonder with clients about the nuances of a story that holds pain—and while every person has their own unique story of trauma and abuse and their way of relating to these stories, I believe by appreciating the bind we can begin to open the window to working with the grief, anger, and sadness and move towards offering ourselves kindness, care, and compassion.

 

What are some of the reasons that people seek therapy?

 

Maybe you’re tired of “how things are” in your current life situation or relationships. There are definitely entry points into therapy that seem “obvious,” like dealing with a death of a loved one, or remembering and wanting to work through one’s past abuse and trauma. People may talk themselves out of seeking therapy because “they’re not as messed up as others,” or something similar. However, seeking therapy for any reason, like the desire for better intimate relationships with others, improved communication, and healthier ways of being are good enough reasons to pursue growth, healing, and freedom.

 

What kind of people do you see in your practice, and around what types of issues?

 

I am drawn to working with individuals around physical and emotional intimacy issues with both self and partners, unwanted sexual behaviors, and identity issues. As these can be such dynamic and interconnected struggles, there are other touch-points of anxiety, depression, shame, and family of origin issues that I work with. I am particularly passionate about working with young men around pornography addictions and struggles as well as the ways in which toxic masculinity has been used against them, deeply wounding them and telling them who they can and should be.

 

Why were you drawn to work with Northwest Family Life as a therapist?

 

I was really drawn to the message of hope, healing, and redemption that Northwest Family Life believes is possible, particularly around issues of domestic violence and addictions. NWFL’s ethos and mission really resonated with my passion and calling to walk alongside others in their own journey of healing and I’m thrilled to be a part of such a community.

 

Talk about what kind of needs people might try to meet through addictions.

 

We often look to something outside of ourselves to regulate our thoughts and emotions. On a neurological level, these attempts at regulation by going to substances or processes create connections in our brain that often release neurochemicals such as dopamine, serotonin, and endorphins in great quantities. These feel great, but overtime and through repetition, end up creating a very real connection of “I need this or I’m not going to be okay.” In healthy attachments we are offered attunement and have our emotions and struggles mirrored in empathic ways that allow us to regulate and soothe ourselves. This can lead to re-wiring in the brain to no longer need substances or process addictions for this regulation. While there are many addiction programs and schools of thought that are very valid (and extremely helpful), I often start from the point of “You were trying to meet a need and you did it the only way you knew how… Now, what was that need?”

 

What kind of barriers might people have to getting therapy?

 

Typical barriers may be cost, scheduling, finding the right therapist—one that’s available at that—or just not knowing where to start. The biggest barriers, though, are believing that it’s not worth the effort and the ambivalence of starting the journey. People might really want change in their lives, but may also be thinking that they’ve “survived” this far so what’s the point? The point is about moving towards thriving and new, healthier ways of relating to self and others.

 

As well as being a gifted therapist, you are also a bit of an entrepreneur. You even started a nonprofit in high school that was focused on bringing people clean water toThird World Countries. Tell us about your new venture, Open Therapy.

 

Open Therapy (OT) is a web platform which combines the best of database technology, dynamic search filtering, professional networking, client-therapist discovery, and online listings for your practice.In essence, it’s a website that is directing clients to the best therapist for them. For therapists, it’s an efficient tool to better manage their practice and the clients they want to work with. It’s a therapist directory that pulls from all the therapists in our database and makes them visible to potential clients through our highly filtered algorithms of availability, issues, insurance, and referrals. For clients, most directories are a needle in a haystack and clients can often be discouraged in their process of finding the “right therapist.” With Open Therapy, all they need is a name of someone they’ve heard of or trust. Regardless of whether they’re available, they will find a therapist that will work best with their financial, emotional, and geographical needs.

 

You can connect with Conner here. Open Therapy is currently in the beta phase of development; we look forward to sharing it with you when it launches soon.

Katya Wojcik speaks on domestic violence, PTSD and learning to trust again

Katya Wojcik speaks on domestic violence, PTSD and learning to trust again

Katya Wojcik is a Northwest Family Life affiliate therapist who specializes in issues of trauma, abuse, and PTSD.

 

Katya, you are also a DV survivor. How does your own history impact your advocacy work with others?

 

I feel that it has allowed me an even deeper connection with those affected by domestic violence. I understand first hand the ways that an unhealthy relationship can affect survivors and this helps me to empathize in a genuine manner. My own history makes me want to continue to challenge myself to be vulnerable with others so that they can gain more knowledge and awareness.

 

Talk about the grooming process and some of the distinct patterns in vocabulary that are common to many abusers.  

 

In my experience as well as that of many I’ve worked with, there is often a common theme of abusers wooing an individual from the beginning stages of the relationship. They may talk about you being everything to them, say no one else is worthy of you, and slowly separate you from your close family and friends. Abusive relationships often form quickly, many times resulting in engagement and marriage. Once an abuser has built you up it may seem like literally overnight they begin to become abusive, making you wonder who this new person is. Through the confusion, you may often endure physical, emotional and verbal abuse. Everything will be your fault, right down to the reasons that they physically hurt you. “You made me hit you…” Often it will seem like nothing you do is ever right and you are walking on eggshells, living in constant anxiety and unable to prepare for the next blowout.

 

What kind of advice might you give to those who experience triggers related to DV or PTSD symptoms?

 

Be kind to yourself, honor the strength you have to be able to say you made it through that time in your life. Know that you can use your triggers to increase your awareness of how you feel about certain things and how to navigate yourself in a healthier manner.

 

Talk to us about healing being constant instead of a definite end place.

 

Just like tending to your body physically, healing yourself emotionally and spiritually are equally as important. We are exposed to many things in the world, often those things make a mark on our lives. If we do not practice self-care, checking in with ourselves, and constant healing, life can begin to get overwhelming.

 

Not all answers come when you want them to. What are your thoughts on pushing through discomfort instead of a quick fix.

 

Quick fixes usually don’t last, it’s only through self-reflection, understanding, and awareness that growth can happen with more consistent results. You can learn a great deal about yourself once you tap into what your discomforts are and the healthiest manner to navigate them.

 

Talk to us about how for an abuser, abuse may be a way of survival.

 

It has always been my experience that abusers are often individuals who have very low self-esteem and are unhappy with life and themselves. Happy people don’t want to harm others. Instead of focusing on their own issues, abusers blame others and it becomes a way of survival. Without this, they would be forced to look at their own flaws and feel the discomfort of it.

 

Speak to us about the possibilities people have to evolve/change/rename themselves.

 

Sadness, difficulty, and failure give us the opportunity to rebuild and come back as stronger more resilient individuals. Channel your pain into power. Connect with yourself and watch how you can navigate with ease something that might be difficult for others.

 

You say that learning to trust again after abuse is a continuum, not just something that happens. Can you elaborate on this?

 

Learning to trust yourself after an abusive relationship is difficult. Often when we look back we can sense that our gut or intuition had warned us but we ignored it. We have to turn up the volume on ourselves and trust what we feel. Check in with yourself often, ask why you feel a certain way in a certain experience. Take a risk on trusting that you know what is best for yourself.

 

You often encourage survivors to exercise their voice. Would you tell us about this?

 

Your voice is one of your biggest assets. It’s this and your experience that can help others to increase their awareness, resiliency, and understanding of what abuse is. Your voice can help others connect with their own experiences.

 

Connect with Katya

Dr. Kristie Williams, Silence, Grief, & A Space for Voice

Dr. Kristie Williams, Silence, Grief, & A Space for Voice

Dr. Kristie Williams is a Northwest Family Life affiliate therapist working from Alabama. She offers in person therapy as well as tele-counseling.

 

Would you tell us about A Space for Voice?

 

A Space for Voice – Healing the Wounds of Domestic Violence, is a series for women who are either survivors of domestic violence or were child witnesses. The purpose of this 6-week series is to provide a safe space and opportunity for individuals to identify any existing behavioral or relational patterns they feel continue to impact their way of being. Utilizing a community model of support to aid individuals in their healing process, specific steps include lessons on the following: 1) Understanding the Dynamics of Domestic Violence; 2) Uprooting the Lies of Domestic Violence; 3) Dismantling the False Foundation of Domestic Violence; 4) Silent No More; 5) Blaming vs. Reclaiming; and; 6) Arise and Grieve No More.

 

You’ve said that silence doesn’t dissolve anything. Talk to us about what silence allows.

 

In instances of domestic violence and abuse, silence can deaden or harden the heart of the survivor. The survivor may no longer trust themselves or allow themselves a space for relationship. They may become hyper-vigilant, fearing the possibility of ever having or maintaining safe connections.  Similar to what takes place when an infected wound is not allowed to heal properly, silence can deaden what was once full of life, or kill the hope of future possibility. Sharing one’s voice within a safe community can restore hope and life as well as provide a model for healthy relationships.

 

Talk to us about cultural competency.

 

Cultural competency is an intentional process of educating oneself regarding knowledge of various cultures.  However, to go beyond just developing knowledge means to seek understanding, which is an ongoing relational process. Therefore, being intentional about actively increasing cultural competence means being willing to recognize that a person’s culture is also influenced by various components of who they are (e.g., gender, religion, education, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, and other personal characteristics).  So cultural competence includes engaging own’s own self-awareness and being open to:

  • Multiple perspectives
  • Relationship building
  • Flexibility/adaptability
  • Cultural understanding
  • Intercultural communication

 

The power and control wheel is often used to talk about issues of domestic violence. You’ve mentioned also applying this wheel to issues of race and diversity. Can you expand on this?

 

If you examine the power and control wheel and think about it in terms of inequity and intolerance regarding issues of diversity and inclusion, you can see how the same spokes on the wheel are used for bullying purposes to shut out individuals based on their ethnicity, gender, religion, education, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, disabilities or other personal characteristics.

 

You also do a lot of work around grief and loss. Tell us about this work and the possibility, you believe can be found, even in the midst of grief.

 

Isolation from others is often a response to our grief and loss.  Yet finding a safe space to discuss and grieve loss is a vital part of the process.  One’s safe space can be found in the community of a group or with an individual. Either way, healing takes place in the disclosure of story.  Story sharing allows the face and voice of another to join in the recognition of loss and honoring that space. Also, the only way out is through.  To completely get to the other side of the process individuals must allow themselves to feel, experience and go through all their emotions to heal.

 

Tell us about your DV work with college students and young people.

 

As a trained facilitator of the Onelove Foundation, an organization that educates students on dating and domestic violence, I have offered a series of talks to faculty, staff and students on Dating Violence Awareness as a part of a Postdoctoral Fellowship with Ursuline College in Pepper Pike, Ohio.  The educational sessions offered included a brief film and guided discussion about issues and warning signs of dating and domestic violence. The film was made available for faculty and staff to view in preparation for students who also viewed the same film at a later date. The programs’ intent was to assist faculty and staff in identifying early warning signs of abuse and provide campuses resources in the event the movie triggers students to share their reactions in the following weeks.

 

You will be speaking at a conference soon on dating and DV warning signs. Can you share with us some of the most common warning signs?

 

The Power and Control Model describes 10 ways a person attempts to maintain power and control of another.  These abusive behaviors include physical, sexual or emotional abuse, isolation, minimizing, denying, blaming, using children, economic abuse, use of male privilege, coercion, threats, or intimidation.  Some specific examples may include, but are not limited to the following:

 

  1. Physical restraint or abuse by hitting, kicking or choking the person.
  2. Abusing, injuring, or threatening to injure children, family members, pets, or property.
  3. Rape or using sex in an exploitative fashion.
  4. Name calling, criticism, bullying or insults.
  5. Isolating the victim from friends and family members.
  6. Screening phone calls or checking emails, changing social media passwords.
  7. Stalking in person or on social media.
  8. Threats of suicide by the perpetrator.

 

Talk to us about bystander intervention when it comes to DV.

Research has shown that the more people who are there to witness a situation where someone needs help, the less likely it is that someone will actually intervene. As a result, a person’s feeling of responsibility is not as strong when that responsibility is shared by others. As a result, when one person intervenes it is more likely that others will step in and assist.  Bystander intervention training includes 3 Ds of intervention:

  1. Direct – You intervene directly; take action yourself
  2. Distract – You take action to divert attention from the situation
  3. Delegate – You enlist or appoint someone else to help in intervening

 

You’ve said you like to challenge people not to live under a rock. Can we hear more about this?

 

Often times when individuals are hurting or struggling with an issue, they isolate and fall back into an old pattern of thinking that tells us that we need to ‘pull ourselves up by our bootstraps’.  Yet the opposite is true, we heal in community. When we are hurting, helping care for another ensures we do not isolate or go to those dark places of depression. Therefore, I often challenge my clients to step out from under the rock.

 

Dr. Williams is working to create an online version of “A Space for Voice,” where people can connect and process together regardless of location. We look forward to sharing this with you when it launches.

 

Dr. Williams also offers tele counseling; you can connect with her here

 

Bethany Hiser on Soul Care

Bethany Hiser on Soul Care

Bethany Hiser is the Northwest Family Life Director of Soul Care. She shares with us just what soul care means and how it differs from traditional ideas of self-care.

 

Q. What is Soul Care?

 

Soul care is tending to our inner psychospiritual life, which affects our whole self.Soul care doesn’t just mean spiritual care. We are complex intertwined beings. Our soul, body, mind and emotions are all interconnected in who we are.

Tending to thesoul does not preclude listening to our bodies. As I address my false beliefs that drive my unhealthy behaviors and integrate a daily prayer, I am benefiting my whole self. I breathe easier, I am more grounded, I am less stressed, and I am more alive. I am resilient. I am free to thrive.

Q. How might soul care differ from self-care?

 

At least in popular culture, self-care seems to mean pampering or other activities that we need to add to our lives. In contrast, I see soul care as a deep tuning in and tending to our whole self. It is not necessarily adding activities but reorienting our lives and listening to what our body needs – taking a lunch break or going to the bathroom when needed. It might involve exploring the reasons why we don’t take care of ourselves, and addressing our inner beliefs that drive our unhealthy behaviors instead of simply creating a self-care plan. It might encompass a daily practice that is simple, life-giving, nourishing, and grounding. Soul care is a journey of recovery towards wholeness.

Q. What are some of the aversions you yourself have had to the term “self care”?

 

I used to think self-caremeant pampering and was thus trivial. I thought I didn’t need it, that I was strong enough.I also felt guilty at taking time for myself in the face of so much injustice and poverty.

 

Q. Would you share with us a little about how you came to be passionate about soul care?

 

My passion for soul care arose from necessity – going through the emotional exhaustion and toll of burnout. Ten years ago, if I were to learn that I would become passionate about training and equipping others for a more healthy and sustainable life, I would have been shocked. Like many, I was affected by the stories of trauma I had heard working in a domestic violence shelter, in jail, and a family support center. I felt the weight and grief of people I cared about who were torn apart by immigration, incarceration, abuse, sexual exploitation and addiction. I came to the end of myself and couldn’t go on. I started this soul care journey recognizing that I needed help and to make significant changes. I felt powerless against the effects of accumulated secondary trauma, work holism and codependency. My life had become unmanageable. I was taking step 1 of 12-step programs without knowing it.

Recovery has involved journeying towards living out of being God’s beloved instead finding my identity in what I do, towards freedom instead of desperation to make a difference, and towards loving myself as I love my neighbor. It’s been a journey of pride and brokenness, of learning to say no and asking for help, of healing and renewal, of contemplation and centeredness.

Q. How might someone add rhythms of rest to their life?

 

In order to change behavior, we need to begin small and daily. Although a daily practice can feel hard to maintain in this midst of many things to do, it can actually make us more alive and equipped for the tasks at hand.

In Laura van Dernoot Lipsky’s book, Trauma Stewardship, she recommends choosing what works for you, for the season you’re in.

It might be centering prayer or other meditation, yoga, reading Scripture, exercise, journaling, coloring pages, going for a walk, or simply sitting with a cup of coffee for a few minutes when you wake up.

Whatever it is, the two key elements are: life giving and daily.

Integrating regular rhythms is essential to be rooted in the truth about ourselves and to be resilient.

Q. Could you talk about small margins in the day that let us take care of ourselves and let go of what we are carrying?

 

One idea is to have small practices during transitions, when waking up, before going to work, before getting home, in between appointments, or during a lunch break. For example, during or after an appointment we might check in with ourselves:

How was I feeling listening to that person?

How did that appointment affect me?

A transition activity doesn’t have to be a huge time consumer, but rather a simple activity that engages the senses: washing hands, walking around the block, taking three deep breaths, or free-writing for five minutes. Maybe it means not checking email first thing upon waking up or setting a reminder to start unwinding at a certain time of day.

Q. How is one’s identity and what they believe about themselves linked to how they care for themselves?

 

We have to believe we deserve care. We have to know we are loved regardless of what we do. Self-care is undermined if we don’t believe that we deserve it or need it. Seeking to change our behavior will be futile. Somewhere along the way, many have internalized the message that we are loved for what we do.

When we live out of our identity in what we do, we risk not only hurting ourselves but also hurting others, including those we seek to serve. Those we are trying to help become projects on which our success depends. Their failure is thus our failure. When living this way, the remedy to failing is to try harder and do more. We can begin wanting their change more than they do. Sometimes this develops into a need to control another’s lifeand alienate the very people we are trying to help, leading to an unhealthy codependency instead of a love born out of freedom.

Deeper soul care is needed to ground ourselves in our identity as beloveds, explore the beliefs that drive our unhealthy behaviors, and begin taking care of ourselves.

 

Q. What are some of the signs of secondary trauma?

 

  • Guilt, feeling bad for taking care of oneself.
  • Feeling helpless, like you can’t do enough.
  • Physical or emotional exhaustion, hyper vigilance.
  • Messiah complex, feeling like it’s all up to you.
  • Fear of not being enough, not being accepted, of rejection. Fear for personal safety, of persecution.
  • Culturally accepted addictions like codependency and work holism.

 

Q. Do you have some tools for people to become aware of how their work is affecting them?
Assessments:

 

These assessments are helpful for some people, not all. They are not meant to add guilt or shame. Rather they can help increase awareness of how you are being affected, validating that you are understandably affected.

Other Resources:

 

  • The book, Trauma Stewardship: An Everyday Guide to Caring for Self While Caring for Othersby Laura van Dernoot Lipsky. Includes the 16 most common responses to trauma and is a great resource. The website http://traumastewardship.comand Lipsky’s TedX talk are also helpful.
  • The Compassion Fatigue Workbook: Creative Tools for Transforming Compassion Fatigue and Vicarious Traumatization, by Françoise Mathieu
  • International Society for Traumatic Stress Studies http://www.istss.org/treating-trauma/self-care-for-providers.aspx. Indirect Trauma (PDF) Free Handout. Self-Care Tips Handout in English/Spanish/French.

 

Q. What does one do with that awareness?

 

Pursuing healing and change…begin the soul care journey! Start a daily practice. Build a support team that could include: a consult group, personal therapist, Spiritual director, mentor, ect.

 

Bethany has a book on Soul Care in the works, full of content that is accessible, relevant, and helpful. We look forward to sharing it with you when it comes out. You can connect with her here

 

Bent Meyer on Non-Verbal Memory and Bodily Reactivity

Bent Meyer on Non-Verbal Memory and Bodily Reactivity

Bent Meyer is an affiliate therapist at Northwest Family Life.

We spoke to him about non-verbal memory, the reactiveness that comes from that place, and how someone might integrate their non-verbal system with their cognitive one.

Talk to us about the non-verbal cues generated in our brains.

Non-verbal cues are evoked by data that come though our input senses (eyes, ears, touch, smell, etc.). It only takes 30 milliseconds for the data to find a pattern match within structures like the limbic system and hypothalamus. The pattern matching comes from previous life experience that was taken in through our senses and recorded in the non-verbal memory system to be accessed later in life.

Once a pattern match is found messaging is sent to various parts of our body to activate glands, muscles, capillaries and such to prepare for action related to what is being perceived. It takes an additional 300 to 500 milliseconds for words to be formed within our rational mind.

What kind of reactiveness comes out of non-verbal memory?

The consequence is we are already in action mode before rational consideration (executive function) can be made to evaluate whether our perception is valid or not.The limbic system is intrinsically designed and sensitive to keeping one alive and out of unpleasantness. Thus, it is biased to be particularly attuned to the negative.This provides some clarity to why defensiveness is most people’s default response when feeling shame and powerlessness.

If non-verbal memory is activating our body 10 times before we can think about it, how can people make a bridge between reacting and evaluating a situation first?

It starts with open curiosity, a felt posture of leaning into and observing without categorizing something as ‘good’ or ‘bad’. The task is not to obliterate our defenses but to regulate them so that they are not super aroused in situations that are benign. When we can bring awareness to the sensations in the body, asking questions about what stimulated this reaction, we can look at the patterns of thinking and behavior that are evoked. The next part is to tolerate the feelings without acting. It is holding long enough to do a reality check, slowing down to let executive function come on line.

Why is it important to be able to put words to what one is experiencing?

The benefit of integrating words with non-verbal cues is the ability to get out what is locked up inside the body without having to act it out. It is a way to not be alone. Words provide a means for others to join in our joy, pain and confusion. Words also integrate abstraction with subjective knowing and slow down reactiveness.

Can you explain a transactional way of relating in relationships?

In our culture we have been taught the values of cause and effect evaluation. It is a default in our communication with others. “I feel this way because you did _______!” I call this transactional. It externalizes the reason I feel what I feel. Each of us is responsible for how we each read and manage our internal cue and arousal. When awareness and responsibility are active, blame shifting is greatly reduced. When two people read well the full bandwidth of verbal and non-verbal communication, both from the other and from ones own interpretive cues, there can be openness to collaborate.

Can you elaborate on thinking in categories of mutuality, rather than of power differentials?

Power differential is useful in hierarchical structures, like business or military organizations, were specific purpose and time sensitive goals must be executed. But, in intimate relationships it is rarely useful.

When it exists in intimate relationships, the one with power is often on an intellectual island, relying only on their own wit. The partner is subject in a role that often is functional, but often not prized as a source of importance. For such a partner, silence is often safest. In order for the subject to have influence, manipulation, or their own power bid, must be employed. It this context, the dynamic becomes one of winning or losing. The relationship is transactional. Inter mutual dependence is unknown within these couples.

And in a scenario of mutuality?

Close intimate relationships that employ mutuality have a fluidity about them. There is an admiration and respect for the mind and abilities of the other. There is simultaneously a real knowing of one’s own current ability to contribute. I say current, because there is also an assurance that my capacity to know and be is likely improved tomorrow. It is an interdependence that collaboratively wrestles, debates, researches, and brings forward disparate resources to formulate what each could or would not do alone.

Can you speak to the process of integrating our cognitive system with our non-verbal one and thus gaining more executive / cognitive control?

The process of integrating our subjective known world and our verbal system is through awareness first, then using descriptive language.  At first this might be as simple as a child who says say “Owee” and points to their ear. Obviously, later in life our descriptive language grows to where we can use metaphors to describe inner experience, for example,  “I feel like I can’t breathe” to describe terror felt in social settings.

When language is not integrated with non-verbal knowing we are trapped within our skin. The only choice we have to get it out of us is to action it out. Language conventions provide the way for our inner experience, world and thoughts to be joined by others instead of trapped inside us.

Integration is the function of connecting wiring between disparate parts of the brain with enough redundancy to make the communication fuller and speedier. It is to deepen and widen knowing.

You say for most people, in the same way that “different” is often uncomfortable, so is changing our non-verbal experience system. Can you talk about pushing through this discomfort?

If you have played golf, you will likely remember the first time someone showed you how to correctly grip the handle of a club. It like felt odd, and you might have retreated to a hold that felt more comfortable to you. But the joy felt in the increasing performance from your swing made the transition to a new hold possible.

Change involves the POSIBILITY of something different. It is being curious. There is a playful leaning into possibility. What is under that rock on the beach?

I wonder what will happen if I _______? It is a given, that you will not know unless you try, and in the trying, failure is tolerably measure, yet a little on the risky side.

Change occurs with repetition and with increased complexity. This means deepening tolerance while widening variability of experience. This means the tendencies to demand fixed sequences, recipes, and time allocations must be loosened. One must teach the experience system that there are more experiences that are not dangerous, heavy, exhausting, and unpleasant, but rather surprisingly enjoyable.

 

Connect with Bent here