Racism and Domestic Violence

Racism and Domestic Violence

Tabitha: Today I’m here with my friend, Kristie Williams. She is a professor at Walden university and an affiliate at Northwest Family life. Kristie runs Candid Conversations, book club discussions around diversity, equity and inclusion. What else do you want people to know about you?

Kristie: I’m an educator and a lifelong learner. I am a licensed professional counselor, but I teach clinical mental health counseling and multicultural counseling at Walden University. I’ve been the assistant Dean and the director of diversity, equity and inclusion. I’ve also served as a director of accessibility. So, when I think of this topic, I’m looking at it from a number of different ways.

Tabitha: You’ve shared in the past about the connections and overlap you’ve seen between racism and domestic violence. Can you say more about that?

Kristie: My connection to Northwest family life started over 20 years ago. I’m a graduate of what is now the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology. During my time there, the domestic violence certification program started. I was a child witness of domestic violence, so I felt like I needed to be a part of that. I started learning about power and control, and how perpetrators attempt to hold their victims down. I realized, “Oh my gosh, this is the same thing that happens regarding racism!”
When you’re talking about racism, sometimes people just shut down because they think, “I’m going to say the wrong thing,” or “I’m going to offend somebody.” And so, I’ve started facilitating trainings, workshops, and discussions around dating violence, domestic violence, and racism. During these training sessions, I use the Power and Control Wheel to show participants how abusers can manipulate and control others.

Tabitha: There are now many versions of the power and control wheel, with some that illustrate the overlap of gender/race/citizenship privilege. For example, a survivor of domestic violence who is from another country might face even more stigma or have their immigration status held against them.

Kristie: Yes. These “wheels” really illustrate what’s going on in a way that people, especially the students I work with, can understand without making them feel like they are going to say the wrong thing. It helps them to be able to ask questions and learn. I try to teach in a way that people who are new to these topics don’t feel like they are being shamed for what they didn’t know, or didn’t see, or didn’t understand.

Tabitha: It must sometimes be difficult for you sometimes to walk into a space, knowing that people are already afraid they’re going to mess up before you've even presented anything. How does that work with Candid Conversations?

Kristie: Everyone’s already afraid, even if they really want to do the right thing. I have to help them recognize what some people may be coming in with, because when you’re entering these spaces, you’re not coming in alone. You’re bringing all the generational stuff that’s behind you. Someone may say something triggering. It might be the first time they have had the opportunity to discuss these issues. We’re providing a safe space, a brave space, I’d even say a sacred space, for people to hear, “This didn’t start with you.” Something I say so frequently my students roll their eyes is this: The best way to change hearts and minds is in relationships and over time. That’s what’s so good about doing these book discussions. People come together for weeks and get to know each other. It’s not like you have these hard conversations about racism and never see that person again. Just like with support groups, there’s something special about being with people over time that actually impacts and affects change.

Tabitha: Yes. In some of the groups I’ve participated in with you, we’ve had people from really, really different places, levels of understanding, and educational backgrounds. But we meet with the goal of connecting. Even if we don't necessarily end at the same spot, there’s this strong desire to understand the other that I think is really sacred.

Kristie: Absolutely. In some cases, people are coming from different states or even countries. It’s possible they’ve never met somebody that looks or thinks like somebody else on that screen. It knocks down biases they didn’t know they had. It creates a space where people can realize they have mindsets they need to dismantle. Or they meet people or read something in the book where they think, “Me too!” Things I often hear are, “Oh, I had never thought of it that way,” or, “I hadn’t realized that people are actually still experiencing this kind of discrimination and bias.” If you’re a white person who lives in a predominantly white city like Seattle, it can be really easy to think, “That’s only happening over there in that place where they’re kind of backward.” Nope, it’s actually still happening today here.

Tabitha: And when you are face-to-face with someone else who is experiencing it, it suddenly becomes a lot more personal.

Kristie: Yes, absolutely.

Tabitha: Can you tell us a bit more about what books you covered in Candid Conversations? Which book is your favorite?

Kristie: Ooh, that’s going to be a hard question. We started out at the beginning of the pandemic. People were struggling, feeling isolated, and had more time on their hands. Simultaneously, we had George Floyd, Ahmaud Arbery, Breonna Taylor, all of these things were happening at the same time. I started book clubs to help my students stay connected, and initially the first Candid Conversations book club was just to help therapists connect during the pandemic. Our first book was Trevor Noah’s Born a Crime. What I didn’t realize at first is that his story doesn’t just have racism, but also domestic violence. We also read My Grandmother’s Hands by Resmaa Menakem, Caste by Isabel Wilkerson, and It Didn’t Start With You by Mark Wolynn. Each of the books really contributed to the ongoing conversation of how we got to where we are in this country. We’ve talked a lot about inherited trauma. Right now we’re reading The Choice by Edith Eger. It feels really applicable to what’s happening in Ukraine right now. It’s the story of a Holocaust survivor and talks about how we have a choice in how we respond to evil. We don’t have to let evil control us. It’s like everything we’ve read so far culminates in this particular book.

Tabitha: It’s interesting how with all the book studies you’ve done, there’s this spirit led aspect to it because they all fold into one another. With Trevor Noah’s book, you touched on really serious topics but in an accessible way, because he’s so funny. It’s like a side door into tough subjects–one minute you are laughing and the next you are crying. My Grandmother’s Hands was such a good backdrop that helped explain where our culture is at right now. Many people don’t realize that slavery didn’t just come out of nowhere, and neither did the genocide of indigenous peoples. And it’s not an excuse, but it gives us a framework to show us how far we have to go to dismantle oppressive systems–and how much we have to repent of.

Kristie: Absolutely. We’ve all heard the phrase, “Hurt people hurt people.” But as we read our current book, The Choice, we get to hear all these stories of people who have experienced violence and trauma and choose not to pass that on. We have a choice in how we respond.

Tabitha: It’s a powerful truth. In some of the support groups I lead, that’s been a question we’ve been asking. There are women in really difficult circumstances. Sometimes they have to co-parent with their abuser, sometimes they lose their community because their story isn’t believed. But even in these situations they are learning to ask, “Where do I have agency here? I may be forced to encounter someone who’s hurt me, but how do I choose to enter that space? How can I keep myself calm? How can I be a shelter for my children in spite of what we are going through?” I find that question, “Where do I have agency right now?” to be really powerful in my own life.

Kristie: It’s empowering for people to realize that they have the choice to speak up, or to not respond (which is sometimes a valid choice.)

Tabitha: Shifting topics a bit, I’d like to go back to talking about the intersection of domestic violence and racism. What do you think are some of the additional struggles faced by survivors who are also women of color?

Kristie: That’s a great question. Oftentimes, there aren’t any people of color at the organizations who are supposed to help them. Maybe they are in an abusive situation, so they reach out to their church. The church recommends a domestic violence shelter but when they show up, there isn’t a single person who looks like them. Not only are they dealing with the trauma of their particular situation, but they might wonder if there is bias against them from the people who are supposed to help. Or, if their abuser is a person of color, they might worry about perpetuating stereotypes. I am speaking as an African American woman who was a child witness of domestic violence. If I am telling my story to a white person, I am wondering if they can recognize that I still love my father. He was the father God gave me, even though I can see that there were things he did that were horrific. I’m not excusing that–but that wasn’t all he was. So, if someone comes to a DV support group, and their abuser is a person of color, they might not feel safe to share that. They might wonder if others in the group will use their story as a reason to distrust other men of color. They might project your story onto every Black, Latino, Asian, etc. man they meet, and that’s a risk when you share. I think more therapists and facilitators need training on this. It’s also important to note that this is an issue in batterer’s treatment as well. How do men of color who have been abusive trust that their group leaders or counselors think they can actually change? We have to ask ourselves if the people coming to us for help can relate to the helpers. Because they are going to be asking, “Is
this a safe place for me to bring my whole self?”

Tabitha: So, as a white facilitator, what’s the first thing I can do to make women of color feel safer in my group?

Kristie: Start with directly acknowledging that we are all different, and that everyone is bringing different things into the group. Being a survivor can be isolating enough, we don’t want people to feel alone and unacknowledged because of their ethnicity too.

Tabitha: How would you define the term “intersectionality” for someone who’s never heard it before?

Kristie: Intersectionality is the point at which different parts of our identity meet, specifically marginalized identities. I am African American, but I’m also a woman. A survivor might be an immigrant and also be part of the LGBTQ+ community. These identities are connecting and overlapping and we can’t pull them apart. For example, at a college I used to work at, there was a group for LGBTQ+ students, but the students of color within the group felt like there was something missing. They went on to start an additional group that addressed the areas they felt weren’t being heard or seen in the other. These two groups worked together, but the second group was essential to meet those needs that weren’t being met. Intersectionality creates awareness of all of the different components people bring to the table, whether that’s gender, sexuality, ethnicity, or religion.

Tabitha: This is really important for white people to understand. It’s easy for most of us to walk through the world, at least in the West, because everything is catered to us. We tend to think that our way of viewing the world is the baseline for “normal.” We have to learn to walk with the awareness that what might feel “normal” or “average” to us is not necessarily the case for everyone else.
I am trying to have the awareness that I’m going to make mistakes. I’m going to miss things, or make
assumptions that aren’t helpful. And there will be times when I’m called out for that, but it doesn’t have to be a source of shame, it’s an opportunity to learn and grow.

Kristie: A great resource on intersectionality is Dr. Kimberly Crenshaw. I use some of her materials in my courses.

Tabitha: Futures Without Violence is another great resource. They have a phrase in one of their videos on intersectionality that I like: “We can’t end one form of violence without ending all forms of violence.”

Kristie: Sometimes when people are suffering, it can be hard for them to connect or relate to a different form of oppression. But we can’t act like these other forms of violence don’t exist just because they aren’t happening to us. I think we all have purpose. It’s true that we can’t do everything, but that’s why we need to connect with others so we can be, at the very least, a resource. I’m a lifelong learner, and I often point people to the work of someone else more knowledgeable. But we can’t just cover our eyes and pretend like violence against other communities doesn’t exist.

Tabitha: What’s the phrase? “A rising tide lifts all boats?” To me, this means that we’re all connected, and none of us are really free until all of us are free, to paraphrase Fanny Lou Hamer. So I want to see full equality and flourishing for women, and that means I want to see full equality and flourishing for people of all races. As we wrap up, can you tell us what you are reading right now?

Kristie: Well, like I said, I can’t recommend the book The Choice enough. I also just ordered How to Do the Work, which I’ve heard is good. And Dr. Caprice Hollins has been a big influence on me.

Tabitha: Thank you so much for your time and your wisdom, Kristie! You are a gift to Northwest Family Life and to everyone you come into contact with.

 

Andrew Bauman on Working with Abusers

Andrew Bauman on Working with Abusers

Freedom Corner

Join us for an interview with Andrew Bauman. Andrew is the Founder & Director of the Christian Counseling Center: For Sexual Health & Trauma (CCC). Andrew J. Bauman is a licensed mental health counselor with a Master of Arts in Counseling Psychology from The Seattle School of Theology & Psychology. Andrew is the author of How Not to Be an *SS, The Sexually Healthy Man, Floating Away, Stumbling Toward Wholeness, The Psychology of Porn, and (with his wife Dr. Christy Bauman) A Brave Lament book and award-winning film.

To see the full conversation, watch the video above or read the transcript below which has been edited for length and clarity.

Tabitha: I’m joined today by author and therapist Andrew Bauman to talk about his new book, How Not to Be an *SS

Andrew: Thank you so much for having me. I’m a big fan of Northwest Family Life’s work, so glad to be here.  

Tabitha: So tell me, how did you first get involved with working with victims of abuse? 

Andrew: I think most callings tap into our own story. For me, growing up, my father was a pastor yet also a secret addict, and had a certain type of theology that was very oppressive and harmful to women, including my mom. That was the world I grew up in. As I grew older and had my own 13-year addiction to pornography, I not only realized I put women as “less than,” but also saw that my theology had become oppressive. About 15 years ago, in Nancy Murphy’s class at the Seattle School of Theology and Psychology, I realized: “Wow, there’s a name for this. It’s called domestic violence”. And I began the process of owning my own abusive behavior, my own history of misogyny. Now I want to help men become safe, to become good, and to understand how to stop being abusive.

Tabitha: So in the beginning of your book, you mention there’s a stigma around the word abuse. Nobody wants to be called an abuser. However, you’re one of the few men I’ve ever heard that says, “I used to be abusive.” You talk about the “unaware fool” and the “narcissistic coward,” opposite ends of the abusive spectrum. Can you elaborate.

Andrew: Not all abuse is created equal, right? In a sense, we put the label of abuse only on the worst diabolical behavior you could think of, the classic example is punching your wife or physical abuse.

But the normal abuse that I see daily is in the evangelical church. [They say,] “Oh, I would never hit my wife. I’m not abusive.” But yet they are. They’re on the spectrum of abuse because of what they do to gain power and control over their partner. And they haven’t done the internal work to undo these systems of entitlement that have served them and degraded their own spouse. So, we have to create some type of framework that helps people understand that while many of them are not that kind of classical narcissistic abuser, they are, in their unawareness and carelessness, behaving abusively.

You have to dive deep to understand why you’re doing what you’re doing. You have to begin to do that so you’re not a foolish man. Our unprocessed traumas are always reenacted. So if I don’t deal with my traumas, I’m going to reenact them most likely in my most intimate relationships, most likely in my marriage. I truly believe in men. I truly love men and believe we can do and be much better than this. 

Tabitha: There’s a lot of infantilizing of men, especially in the evangelical church. Sometimes, we act as if men are physically incapable of understanding anything emotional.

Andrew: Exactly. We’re talking about grown ass men here. They can read a book or they can actually reach out to me. Their partner doesn’t have to set up sessions for them. They are capable. They are grown ass men and we have to begin to require that of them because they’re not 12 year old boys.

Tabitha:  It must be really difficult for some men to say, “My behavior was abusive,” rather than minimizing it by saying, “I regret the way I treated people.” How do men respond if you say, “That behavior is actually abusive.” Are they out the door? 

Andrew: I can use an example from this morning. One [guy] says, “I am not abusive! I’m going to go to other therapists who do not say that!” And his wife is freaking out. “Now my husband’s so unsafe. When he was meeting with you, he was finally starting to get safe. And now he’s back to, “I’m good, I’m good. I’m good.” And I’m not saying that they’re bad. I’m just saying we have to integrate both our goodness, and our depravity. We are image bearers of God and we’re capable of great violence and harm. The sooner we can name that, the sooner we can move beyond it.

We have to be able to say,  “Wow. I have fallen short. I have failed and here’s how I have failed. My unprocessed trauma of my unavailable mother or violent father has been projected onto my wife.” We have got to take ownership so we can break the cycle.

Tabitha: Many Christians claim to believe in “total depravity.” But when you talk about abusive situations or racism, their first reaction is, “I would never do that!” And I’m like, “Well, your theology says that you’re perfectly capable of it.” I think sometimes we get stuck feeling ashamed of things that aren’t our fault at all and not acknowledging the things that we actually do need to repent of. 

Andrew: Yes. Well said. And I think that humility—one of the guidelines of a safe and good man—is beginning to say, “Yes, I’m a broken man and I’m willing to engage that brokenness rather than blaming, gaslighting, or saying, “It’s your fault!” or “It’s because you have childhood trauma!” or  “You’re triggering me!” Instead, we must ask, “What does it actually mean to take ownership of ourselves and our privilege?”

Tabitha: You say there’s a difference between shame and guilt. Do you have a different language for either? 

Andrew: I like to call it healthy shame versus toxic shame, and I found those categories helpful. Is this a kind of repentance? Did I mess up and feel a healthy amount of shame that I did wrong? 

Now, toxic shame is, “I am bad. I am awful. I’m a piece of crap.” That’s not helpful. That does not lead to genuine repentance. It actually leads to more acting out. It actually leads to more entitlement, and then we want to soothe our shame, so we either head towards more addiction or more abuse, or whatever makes it make us feel powerful again. Whereas healthy shame and guilt can humble us, toxic shame is humiliating. 

Tabitha: Often women who are in abusive relationships know that something’s wrong, but they don’t necessarily have the language to call it abuse. Their first thought is, “Well, he didn’t hit me, therefore it’s not abuse.” Pastors are often the first person survivors in their congregation will turn to when something’s not right in their marriage. What kind of advice would you want to give pastors who encounter this? How can they tell the difference between an unhealthy marriage and an abusive one? Who should they call?

Andrew: There is so much info out there. Online courses, Patrick Weaver, Dr. Nancy Murphy even contributed to my book, writing the essay “What church would I look for if I was an abuser?” You’ve got to get your hands on everything you can to be educated. You don’t have to be a master of all of these different things. It’s okay if you don’t know what you’re doing, but you need to reach out for help. You need to get help elsewhere because this is a real issue and it’s really dangerous. 

Because if one out of four women coming to your congregation have some sort of history of violence, (one out of three sexual violence,) then we have to be talking about this. We have to be addressing this. So pastors, even if it’s not your story, it is twenty-five percent of your congregation’s story! And that’s why I have such a passion for this. We’ve got to raise awareness. We’ve got to begin to address this in our churches because silently, so many men and women are suffering.

The church can be an incredibly dangerous place for victims of domestic violence. Especially when seminaries often only require one (or no) counseling classes for their Divinity students. And I hope to be a part of the change. 

Tabitha: In our survivor groups, one of the phrases that I return to a lot is, “Accountability is loving.” Many of the women that are in our groups and are working towards healing, still love the person who abused them. Could you say more about when it’s more loving to leave a relationship than to stay?

Andrew: Yeah. Sadly, a lot of times we’ve been conditioned to think the institution of marriage is somehow more important than your own individual safety. But actually, sometimes the most loving thing to do is to stop enabling this toxic behavior and to say, “No.” Say no more and actually walk away because you love yourself and you love God so much. And God’s image is in you, so you will not be treated that way anymore. 

I can’t tell you the amount of men who have come to me, finally broken only after their wife finally said no and walked out. I don’t think true love is enabling that type of thing. Because if you truly love someone, you’ll help set them free. And that includes calling out abusive behavior. Because that’s not hopefully the type of man that they truly want to be or that God wants them to be. 

Tabitha: As a kid, I remember hearing that the only biblical reason for divorce was adultery. Abuse was a gray area. It’s interesting that we would hold up adultery as worse than abuse. Why? Why is that a more valid reason to end a marriage than abuse?

Andrew: So many women suffer in silence because they know their partner will not hear them. And yet what I’m seeing over the last decade of being in this work, it’s the resources and the online presence is growing. Women are saying “No more.” We’re not going to enable or be a part of this evangelical machine that enables male violence to continue.

Tabitha: You wrote in your book, “He broke the covenant of your marriage when he chose to be emotionally, physically, sexually, spiritually, or psychologically violent.” I think that is really important. There’s more than one way to abandon your spouse.

Talk to me a bit about survivors and anger. I know women are often punished for being angry, whereas men are looked at as more powerful when they are angry. 

Andrew: Right. I think anger is a beautiful, healthy thing for men and women to have and to embody. And it can be clean anger that actually increases intimacy and connection between the partners when anger is done without aggression. It can actually bring two people closer. Sadly, what has modeled to us and what most men demonstrate is aggression, belittling, or cutting the other person down. Whereas clean anger is just an emotion, like, “Oh, that was wrong. That really hurt my feelings.”

Tabitha: What is one thing you wish the church understood about abusive relationships? 

Andrew: That’s a big one. I want the church to understand that women are not second-class.

Much of our interpretation of the Bible, especially of Paul’s words, has been so misinterpreted. And yet our interpretation of scripture has often created this fundamental sexism against women. But we somehow say, it’s God ordained. To silence part of God’s image does not make sense. Men listening, what does it mean for us to lay down our lives? What does it mean for us to create mutuality and equality in our churches and our theology that helps us understand God much more fully, because God is in all of our faces regardless of gender.

To see more from Andrew, check out christiancc.org and andrewjbauman.com

 

Julie DeBoer on Food and Body Issues

Julie DeBoer on Food and Body Issues

Julie DeBoer is a NWFL affiliate therapist who specializes in trauma, abuse, and food and body issues.  She has a background in eating disorder treatment, and she is passionate about helping clients develop new ways of relating to themselves and their bodies.

 

Tell us about the work you do with clients around food and body issues. 

            Most of my clients have strained relationships with their bodies and struggle to varying degrees to accept, love, and nourish their bodies. They experience their bodies as places of pain and shame rather than safety and comfort, and many have learned to fight against their bodies rather than allying with them. For the population I work with, this often involves disordered eating and exercise patterns.  Many of my clients have become both fixated on their bodies and simultaneously highly estranged from them. They have learned to resist or override their physical needs and cues rather than listening and attending to them. My desire is to help my clients restore a sense of belonging in their own bodies. In that way, I really see my work as a therapist as the slow and gentle process of bringing people back home to themselves.    

 

Can you speak to the idea of the body as home?

            From the time we are born until we die, our bodies carry us through the world, and they are really our only constant. Our other physical houses are temporary and transient, but we never leave our bodies. Our bodies contain us–physically, spiritually, and emotionally–and are meant to be places of safety and comfort. If “home” is a place where we are known and loved and cared for and free to be ourselves, I believe that our own bodies are meant to be the place we experience that most fully. 

 

So what happens when that home (the body) is unsafe?

            All too often, our bodies endure harm and violence, and for survivors of these experiences, the body can feel extremely unsafe. For a survivor of trauma, the body is a place of immense vulnerability and betrayal, and many have the experience of feeling trapped in their bodies rather than being at home there. To live in the body is terrifying, and yet, there is no way to escape. So people who have suffered harm often develop ways of psychologically leaving their bodies by disconnecting and dissociating, because staying feels unbearable.I believe that so often, patterns of addiction and disordered eating and self-harm are ways that people struggle with the reality of living in a body that feels unsafe.  

 

Talk about helping people identify and understand patterns that have been informed by trauma

            In my experience, helping people identify the links between trauma and current behavioral patterns is often so essential to the healing process. When people can begin to understand why their body has responded in the ways that it has and how it has been wired to protect them, they can begin to develop a sense of empathy, gratitude, and ultimately trust for their bodies.

           

How might trauma affect a person’s experience with their own body

            Trauma is, by definition, an experience that overwhelms our system and exceeds our capacity to process it in the moment. Our bodies have an ingenious way of helping us survive these experiences by creating a split between our mind and body and essentially allow our minds to leave while our bodies endure the traumatic experience. For many, this split continues long after the traumatic event is over and leads survivors to fundamentally distrust their bodies. They experienced their body as powerless during the traumatic event and may feel that their body has betrayed them. Many trauma survivors hold conscious or unconscious resentment toward their body for responding as it did. It’s also important to recognize that when we feel powerless, we often respond by doubling down on controlling behaviors to try to increase a sense of power, and this frequently plays out in body-based processes such as eating disorders. 

When you combine all of these factors, the unfortunate reality is that trauma sets survivors up in an almost uncanny way to have highly contentious relationships with their bodies. 

 

How might feeling anger be terrifying for a trauma survivor?

          To be connected with anger is to be connected with a sense of power. I believe that most trauma survivors experience immense ambivalence regarding their own power. For some, anger can become a means of trying to protect themselves and compensate for the experience of powerlessness. For others, feeling anger may increase their experience of feeling out of control, and they put their anger on lockdown. Particularly for survivors of abuse or domestic violence, anger can feel quite dangerous and actually expose them to greater harm, so they learn to bury it at all costs. Even long after the threat has passed, anger can feel terrifying and difficult to access. I think learning to engage anger and connect with power can be an immensely important component of the healing process for survivors of trauma, but it is often a long and very difficult process.

  

Talk about befriending or reconciling with your body

          Our bodies are created for survival. They are wired in all kinds of intricate and incredible ways to keep us alive, and when we can begin to understand how our bodies have been working our entire lives to keep us safe, we can start to trust them and ally with them rather than fighting against them.

 

Tell us about the mindfulness part of your work

            I use mindfulness and body awareness practices frequently in my work, especially with clients seeking help with food and body issues. Our bodies are constantly giving us data about ourselves and the world around us, and every time we pause and choose to listen to these physical sensations and cues, it is a way of telling our bodies, “I trust you.” When we practice mindfulness, we are returning home to our bodies, even if only for a moment. Mindfulness does not magically take away the fear or anxiety that we hold in our bodies, but through repetition it slowly increases our capacity to feel safe there.

 

For many of your clients, there is also a faith component to trauma work. What does someone do with the question, “If God is good and loves me, how did this happen,” or “Where was God when…?

            Part of the crisis of trauma is meaninglessness. Trauma is suffering with no explanation or purpose, and for many survivors, this raises questions about God. Part of the healing work of trauma is meaning-making and finding ways to integrate the traumatic experience into their belief system. Many of my clients of faith have found meaning in experiencing God as a co-sufferer. Elie Weisel is a Holocaust survivor who writes about the horrific experience of watching the execution of a Jewish child. He writes, “Behind me, I heard a man asking, ‘For God’s sake, where is God?’ And from within me, I heard a voice answer: ‘Where [God] is? This is where–hanging here from this gallows.’” For many of my clients, this sense of God suffering with them has brought a profound sense of comfort and meaning. 

 

Do you have any resources you would like to share with us?

 

Food Psych podcast by Christy Harrison

I’m Taking My Body Back” TED Talk by Rupi Kaur

Night, by Elie Weisel

The Body Keeps the Score, by Bessel Van der Kolk

 

To get in touch with Julie please call 206-880-3430 or email jdeboer@nwfamilylife.org

Bethany Foelber on Hope for Change

Bethany Foelber on Hope for Change

Bethany is a NWFL affiliate therapist who often works around areas of relational anxieties, grief work and coming of age exploration. Her clients include adults desiring to understand more of their internal fabric and encounter their narratives in a larger way. She speaks to us here about hope for change.

Do you have a theory of change?

 

Change is quiet and slow. We have been taught and shown how to survive in the world and how to receive what we need. When we notice we want to change something about ourselves, it may mean we are at odds or have dis-ease with part(s) of ourselves. Often this can lead to shame or guilt, and the idea of change can immediately relieve the shame experience. I believe that shame is very helpful in offering a place to notice where we both want more and where were not given enough. This starting place begins the process of small shifts as we begin to explore the stories where shame was experienced.

 

Talk to us about trauma somatic work.

 

The body holds and stores our experiences of trauma. Our bodies are deeply wise and intuitive, and cannot hide the truth of our traumas. For my clients, somatic work includes noticing, listening and creating space for our bodies to be heard and felt. It means paying attention to when the stomach hurts, when the headache shows up, where the body freezes or wants to run, etc. Specifically, it means noticing where trauma hijacked the client’s ability to process the event/experience and so the body absorbs the traumatic moment(s). By exploring both the somatic and narrative experiences of trauma, there can be integration and deep care for the mind/body/soul.

 

How might someone get to change a story they’ve been told about themselves?

 

The process of unpacking someone’s story requires witness. We can retell the same story over and over, but we need an advocate to pause the story and offer space to explore more. Through kindness and the allowance for grit, fight and grief, stories can be untangled and our truths can be known.

 

Can you speak to the beauty in exploration and coming of age moments?

 

Discovering parts of oneself on the brink of newness is stunning work. When we are on the edge of changes or shifts, many emotions and past experiences can flood to the surface making it difficult to trust our needs, wants and hopes for ourselves. By having space to create and wonder and grieve, one can experience their story and desired stories differently.

 

Talk to us about wanting truth for ourselves and our stories.

 

I believe in finding our truth. Many of us have childhoods and adulthoods where our experiences were not validated and accepted. Or, we had to abandon ourselves to receive what we needed. This leaves us unable to recognize reality and claim our truth. When we can grieve our relational disruptions and severing, we get closer to seeing our truth and honoring the impact we feel today. When we find our inner integrity, we get choice in our stories and we can begin to craft our ever shifting ground into something sturdy to stand on.

 

Talk about how once you become sensitive to issues of domestic violence you can see it in places where it isn’t overt.

 

DV and abuse can be very quiet and/or loud. The quietness of harm is a piece of the work I do with clients through exploring and offering a place to name the violence they encountered that had been normalized.

 

You’ve mentioned that after a season of intense secondary trauma, you looked to boredom/stillness as a form of healing and self care. Can you tell us more about this and how you practice self care now?

 

In my experience, trauma speeds things up. It creates chaos and at times a manic response to match the traumatic experience(s). After a long season of encountering both a trauma and secondary traumas, my body craved stillness and my mind needed boredom. To honor these needs, I created a lifestyle that reflected this. I worked a monotonous, predictable job, lived by a body of water, and tended towards much solo time. After about 8 months, it felt like my mind was ready to create and risk again, and my body was calibrating. Currently, my self-care comes through careful sensory input and intentional rhythms. Grounding and predictability are important to me, so currently I have a Palo Santo I burn each morning, coffee to grind and some Nils Fram to listen to. These shift across seasons, but my intentionality around my senses and rhythms are deeply important to me for healing and care.

 

In this time of pandemic, where are you finding comfort and hope?

 

Hope, for me, has always been an escape of the present pain and discomfort. A fantasy, if you will, that has protected the fullness of the present grief. This has changed its flavor. I am encountering hope in the daily experience of being human. I find hope in the wrestling of grief and anger, rather then what I need or want the future to offer. In our current climate, I feel hope in the growing spaces for voices to be heard and pain to be known. I am currently reading On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong. This is a stunning text that offers poetic language around the making sense of pain and grief.

You can connect with Bethany here

Lydia Peckover on art and play therapy, EMDR and DBT skills

Lydia Peckover on art and play therapy, EMDR and DBT skills

Lydia Peckover is a Northwest Family Life affiliate therapist working with children, teens, parents, individuals and couples. Her specialties include trauma and PTSD, behavioral issues, and life transitions. She often works with art / play therapy, EMDR and DBT skills.

Research shows encouraging results around art / play therapy, especially when compared with talk therapy. Can you talk about this?

Dr. Karyn Purvis states, “Scientists have recently determined that it takes approximately 400 repetitions to create a new synapse in the brain -unless it is done with play therapy, in which case it takes between 10 and 20 repetitions!” To put this in perspective talk therapy requires about 400 instances of talking about the new habit before the brain creates a new connection to exhibit a new behavior with more ease. That is more than a year of weekly sessions! Play therapy would take about 10 to 20 sessions before the brain would create a connection to do the new behavior. Why? Because the brain is more active when we use a sand tray, play, art, music, movement, and/or creativity. This research encourages people to be more open to using play therapeutic techniques in therapy, such as a sand tray.

About half of your work is with children. Can you tell us what happens in sand play?

A sand tray is an Expressive Arts and Play therapeutic technique. The goal is to express your thoughts in the sand. The person (of any age) creates a story in the sand using miniature characters, objects, etc. This form of play therapy is a way to see our thoughts (or the story) as objects in the sand, and it helps to organize our thoughts to help us feel better. A sand tray helps all ages and can be used with dry sand (trauma sensitive) or wet sand, using warm water.

You also use expressive arts therapy with adults. How is using art to access different parts of the brain effective?

Expressive Arts is a way of communicating without necessarily using words. Brain scans have shown more activity in the brain when using creativity, art, music, and movement than when a person is using speech alone. I use somatic experiencing therapeutic techniques, expressive arts, and even “sessions while walking” in therapy because I have seen that when people use more areas of the brain in therapy it speeds up the healing process. Our brain naturally wants to help us heal, we might as well allow more areas of the brain to participate in therapy!

You do a lot of work using dialectical behavior therapy (DBT). Can you tell us about the skills that DBT teaches?

The four types of DBT skills includeMindfulness (being present to experience what’s happening now as a way to take a break from worrying about the past and future), Distress Tolerance (Dr. Marsha Linehan describes it as “how to survive the crisis without making it worse” and skills to “accept”), Emotional Regulation (understanding emotions and using skills to maintain a balance), and Interpersonal Effectiveness (people skills). Many people I work with tell me they like to learn DBT Skills because each skill is described simply and it’s like having an instruction book on how to live a better life.

Who can benefit from utilizing DBT skills?

Everyone, young or more mature, can benefit from using DBT Skills. This is a behavior therapy that helps us change behaviors to “live a life worth living” and to “reduce pain and suffering.” (quotes by Dr. Marsha Linehan, founder of DBT.) I use DBT Skills with children, teens, adults, parents and mature adults. Parents find helpful skills to parent more gently and effectively. DBT is an evidenced based practice for suicidal ideation, bipolar disorder, borderline personality disorder, depression, anxiety, and trauma/PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress). DBT is well researched and proven effective with addictive behaviors as well as preventing nightmares, sleep disorders, grief, schizophrenia, and many other mental health disorders. People who are suicidal come in for DBT Skills therapy because of the pain of living. I have seen many begin to use DBT Skills and begin to participate fully in life.

Tell us about your work with EMDR trauma therapy and how it can heal trauma wounds.

EMDR therapy, founded by Dr. Francine Shapiro, uses the Adaptive Information Processing (AIP) theory; it is our body’s natural tendency to heal itself. For example, with a bacterial infection, our body automatically works to heal the infection. Using the AIP theory, EMDR therapy’s goal is to activate the brain using bilateral stimulation (left and right sides of the body) with either eye movements, sound or touch (like tapping) so the brain can be fully on board to reprocess stressful/trauma memories.

These memories are stored improperly in the brain and cause a trauma response. After EMDR therapy people have found results such as lack of distressing thoughts, emotions, and body sensations. Here is an example of healing traumatic body memories: A survivor of domestic violence has discomfort in a new relationship because they cannot be touched without being triggered by a body memory from past abuse. After using EMDR therapy, this person has reprocessed the body sensations and has no body triggers. This person can be touched and feel the natural feelings of safety and healthy attachment in the new relationship.

EMDR therapy is an evidence-based practice for PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). It has been shown to effectively relieve anxiety, depression, chronic pain, migraines, addictive behavior, grief, insomnia, and more. Some therapists listen for negative beliefs in therapy as an indicator of who can be helped by EMDR therapy, because they believe the anxiety, depression, pain, etc. were likely caused by the negative beliefs about themselves.

Negative beliefs such as, “It’s all my fault,” “I have no control,” or “I’m not safe” are formed at the same time as a stressful situation or traumatic event. The goal in EMDR therapy is to create positive beliefs. Holding positive beliefs about one’s self can reduce trauma responses such as depression, anxiety, unexplainable pain or sickness, overreacting or feeling numb, feeling triggered, memory absences, avoidance, nightmares, etc.

Many people have said EMDR therapy has fast results, especially in children and teens. EMDR therapy can be used with other therapeutic techniques such as Attachment Focused therapies, Expressive Arts, Somatic Experiencing (body work) and Play therapy. There is a need for assessment and preparing people for EMDR therapy. DBT Skills help prepare people to stabilize behaviors so they are ready for trauma therapy such as EMDR therapy.

Talk to us about “Installing a future template.”

EMDR therapy provides many therapeutic techniques that help therapists become more effective and efficient. EMDR therapy works on the past, present, and future. Installing Future Templates is an EMDR therapeutic technique that helps therapists see how the person would handle stress in the future. Installing a Future Template also identifies any developmental gaps. For example, if a person experienced a medical trauma, child abuse or substance abuse (such as drug use) in their teen years, this traumatic event could stop or delay development. The adult may need skills to be able to understand their own identity or have difficulty solving problems on their own because they were unable to learn these vital developmental skills as a teen. So we would work on those skills in therapy. Installing Future Templates is a quick check-in and helps a person assess ability just by asking a few questions.

You also work with couples. Tell us about using Gottman skills and DBT skills in this work.

Many times couples ask for the Gottman therapeutic techniques in therapy because of it’s great results. I have found many couples need steps before jumping into using Gottman’s techniques. DBT Skills can be used as steps to help couples understand how to communicate better in a relationship. For example, DBT skills such as the GIVE skill (be gentle with yourself and others, act interested, validate the valid, use an easy manner)  can be used to build healthy relationships or the FAST skill to keep your self-respect in relationships. These Interpersonal Effectiveness DBT Skills may be used with Gottman’s “Four Horses of the Apocalypse,” the predictors for divorce (Defensive, Criticism, Contempt, Stonewalling). Also, sometimes therapies can cause a trauma response in those who are trauma sensitive. This is why treatment plans in therapy are unique and tailored to the individual and/or couple’s needs. Some find DBT Skills as a more trauma sensitive approach for couples, yet there is such an effective framework provided by the Gottman Institute. For couples, I like to use both Gottman techniques and DBT Skills.

In your work with families, you’ve said that a big part of it is teaching parents how to calm down. If the parent can self regulate, what can follow?

When the child’s environment is calm the child can work on issues causing distress and engage in trauma work. As the child or teen does their therapy, I continue to work with parents toward healthy attachment with their child and what is developmentally appropriate.

How can trauma affect developmental stages?

Trauma responses include fight, flight or freeze modes. Reliving the traumatic event can mean living in one of these states, in other words, a pretty intense survival mode. These high levels of distress cause our brain to focus on surviving the danger and development is put on hold. An example is a child who experienced early childhood trauma and has speech delays. Later on, the child needs support to develop speech.

Another example is if a person experienced a medical trauma or substance abuse (such as drug use) in their teen years. This traumatic event could have caused their development to stop during the time of danger and could cause a gap in their development. As an adult, they may need support to be able to understand their own identity or have difficulty solving problems on their own because they were unable to learn these vital developmental skills as a teen. So we would work on those developmental skills in therapy.

You can connect with Lydia via her website, https://arisewellcounselingservices.com